bludragun

I feel it already. It's exactly as I predicted. And it will only worsen.

God I wish I had been wrong.

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	× I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	✓ I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

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Alright. Has to be said, I'm concerned. My good old friend Tim and I are drifting. This is evident due to the fact that he broke up with his girlfriend almost a week ago (last wednesday) and I didn't find out until this morning.

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So I was bored and looking at my gf's LJ and came across this, felt like doing it myself..

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Lots of rant
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So I went home. It was a nice long 1.5 hour walk, which helped me prepare myself for the coming events. I solidified my soul. My heart. My everything. I closed myself in. The boundaries around me have been rewoven, reforged, rebuilt. They have returned. They are apart of me again. Like they used to be.
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Just GAH! That's all there is to say. I had a wonderful day with the girl I love, Rachel, only to have that followed by a phone call from Cheryl. She wanted to know if I was still going to the wedding and how I was doing and a bunch of crap. Trying to make me feel bad by telling me she has been heartbroken all week. Yeah right. Only because she is begining to realize she has lost. I'm not coming back on my hands and knees asking for forgiveness. I'm not. Tomorrow we are going to meet up and have a talk. It sounded like she was willing to give me my stuff back, not too sure if I believe it, but I hope it. My brain is going absolutely crazy. I can't concentrate. I keep going through insane mood swings. I can't keep on topic or enjoy one thing for long, I have no attention span at all. I feel like I'm slowly dieing or something.
I feel fat.
I feel lazy.
I feel boring.
I feel stupid.
I feel annoying.
I feel in the way.
I feel ignorant.
I feel selfish.
I feel depressed.
I feel sad.
I feel angry.
And above all else, I don't feel anything at all. I feel nearly dead inside. All of these emotions at once is deadening my insides. I'm falling apart, falling to pieces, just falling. Nothing is right. Everything is wrong. Even the best thing in my life, the one true good thing, is leaving me soon. Nothing is right. Everything is wrong. Just nothing. And just everything.

Someone shoot me.

God damnit. My family apparently wants me to still come to the wedding. I don't have any problem with that, other than that I can't stand the thought of being in the care with them for 2 hours. Followed by like 7 hours of wedding with them. Followed by 2 hours on the way back. Also, I KNOW there would be fighting. Perhapes even a scene big enough to ruin the wedding. I know Cheryl doesn't care about anyone else and would probably enjoy ruining it. There would be so much fighting and so much pain and so much else. Nothing pleasant though. Kathryn wants me to go. She even told me that I was going to get my stuff back if I do go. Apparently Cheryl said that much to her.

Apparently she has been crying a lot every day.

It's sick I know, but god that makes me feel so good. I want her to suffer and cry and feel so much pain. I want it to hurt til her dieing breath, and I hope that the pain is so bad that it kills her. I hope there is no closure between us, there is only the emptiness of losing a family member that rots away the soul and the heart. I have lost my mother. She is dead to me. And I have never known my father, and there has never been anyone there to replace him. I have 2 sisters, not 4. My friends are my real family, and my sisters are the only Blood have.

But I also know not to let the ones I have around me to get too close. I love them yes, but I also once loved my parents. Not now. Never again. I will keep my heart and my soul to myself. Only myself. I will share, but it is mine. Only mine.

I hope this doesn't make me lose the things I do love now. But I have hurt so much. And I refuse to feel this way again. I'd rather be empty inside, then filled with pain.

Damn it all.
My family is insane and terrible and monsters.
There is no love. There is no caring.
There is nothing but hurt feelings. And painful words. And violence.
I hate it. I hate them.

Nothing is fair.

They kicked me out.
I came home, to let them know I was moving out, and before I could get the words out, I was being yelled at and I was kicked out. My family, the people who are supposed to love me. Care for me. Wish me the best and be there for me, told me to leave. Told me they didn't care (**Please take care and don't include my sisters in any of this. Ashley and Kathryn were there for me when they got home and fought for me. Ashley cried and Kathryn screamed at my parents. I hugged my sisters goodbye, told them I loved them, then left.**).

It started with me coming home, from crashing at my buddies place. I was yelled at the second I came home and told to give Cheryl (the woman whom I called my mother) my keys. It then followed with the two of us exchanging nasty words. Eventually she told me I was not allowed to leave with my things. This doesn't seem right, and it is kinda illegal. Her reasoning behind this was that I had rent to make up for, and couldn't leave until I paid. Even though every time 'rent' came up, at least when I called it rent, it was 'helping the family' and not rent. Tim called the cops to ask if they could do it, and they told him they have no president to do this and could come by and supervise me taking it out, to ensure there would be no incident. Eventually I called Dave (the man who claims to be my step-father) and he was on my said. He even told her to let me take my things. She told him no, and it didn't change anything. More words were exchanged, and then the phone rang and she got it in her room. It was Dave. I then overheard her (more like spied to be honest) tell him about things I had said. Even though I hadn't said a word of them. She lied and made me look worse. I called to her about it, and she flipped and kicked me out right then. Hours later when I got back, he was around and they both flipped out at me when I tried to take my things. They even kicked Tim off the property and threatened to call the police. They only let me take my clothes, which I grabbed all of them, and managed to grab a couple other things I stashed with my clothes. More words were then exchanged. They told me to leave, they didn't want me around, that I keep fucking up my life, and more. I told them I wanted to be out of their lives for good, and they agreed. Then I asked why I couldn't have my things, so I could actually be out of their lives for good, they told me I could just leave and be out of their lives for good. It doesn't make sense.

They are trying to keep me around. They are trying to hurt me. They are horrible people. I just want to be away from them and they won't let me be. God, just let me be free.

I'm sorry I just flipped here, but I needed it. I need to do it more. And I will. God damn it all.

Uh, just to anyone who likes writing or drawing or any form of art really, I have a website in which you can post and such.

Http://Turnthelightsoff.evilpiegaming.com

It's nothing too special, and I'll probably be changing it a LOT over the next few days, so who knows what will be what. Yup. So uh, enjoy.